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Giving Permission

17/2/2018

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2018_02_17_giving_permission.pdf
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Charles David Tauber, M.D.

17 February 2018

Giving permission to one’s self and to other people is one of the most important concepts that I use with clients. Many people don’t do it. I’ll explain this on the basis of some people whom I’ve seen.
​
Males are particularly vulnerable to not giving themselves permission. Males “are not permitted” to have emotions, to show “weakness” or vulnerability, or even to be angry. They hold it all inside. Eventually, inevitably, it explodes and hurts people around them and in the society. They then feel shame and guilt, which also are forbidden feelings. Thus, saying to someone that he has permission to be sad, to be angry, to feel frustrated, is extremely important. One former soldier with whom I worked a number of years ago was afraid to tell his wife about his post-traumatic reactions and about what he had experienced during the war, because he thought that it would hurt her. She was afraid of his frequent outbursts, as were his children. First, separately with me and later in a meeting of the entire family, she said that she would rather hear it so that she could understand him and assist him. His children said the same. Thus, by getting the traumas out into the open and by opening the lines of communication, the family started in the direction of healing. I, but more than I, she, gave him permission to feel what he was feeling and to express that, and not to be ashamed of it or to feel guilty about it.

Another barrier is societal norms. During the war, a woman’s husband died of a heart attack, thus not from the bombs or guns. During a group meeting, she was obviously upset, and I asked her what it was. Her reaction, which struck me at the time and which I have heard many times since, was, “Oh, is it really all right for me to mourn for him, especially in the light of what other people here have been though because of the war?”. Again, the societal norms of how to react during the war stopped her from expressing her grief. This certainly is not the worst example of that that I have heard.

Still another example is people – men and women – who have been sexually, physically, and psychologically abused, particularly by close relatives, such as parents. Frequently, they feel that must love the relative, “because he is my father” and “because my mother did it for my own good”. Thus, without the permission from someone from the outside, the person cannot feel the anger or the hatred or the sadness. Rather, again, the person feels guilt and shame. This is compounded by the abuser, and frequently by others, telling the victim that “you must not say anything”. Expressing things, and feeling the actual feelings, is a first step in the healing process.

A similar group of people is those who are the victims of trans-generational transmission of psychological trauma. These people are numerous in virtually every society, whether the society has undergone war or natural disaster or slavery or some other trauma. Frequently, these people don’t understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling it. Thus, again, the healing process begins when they understand it and have the permission to allow it to become part of them.

Still another aspect of permission comes from politics and societal norms. Here, and even in Western cultures, people have fear of standing up for things that they don’t believe in, because they are afraid that they will be repressed by governments and will be shunned by their neighbors and others in society, and that there might even be legal consequences and/or discrimination against them. Many times, their neighbors have similar standpoints, but no one will talk about them publically. Thus, a conspiracy of silence ensues. Again, they need permission to stand up for what they believe in, both their standpoints and their feelings.
​
The bottom line here is that people need to look at what is going on inside them and give themselves, and others, the permission to get it out.

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  • Home
  • About Us
    • Who are we?
    • Mission and Vision
    • The Region
    • Profile of Psychological Trauma
    • History
    • Partners
    • Get Involved
    • Call for Volunteers in Bosnia and Serbia
    • Reports >
      • Monthly Reports
      • Annual and Semi-Annual Reports
  • Our Work
    • Philosophy
    • Social Inclusion
    • Community-based Training
    • Groups with which We Work
    • Peer Counseling
    • Education >
      • Onsite Education
      • Online Education
      • "Blended" Education in Croatia and Other Regions
      • How You Can Request a Course or Counseling
      • Internships, The Summer Program, and Other Possibilities for Students
      • The Video Project for Increasing Capacity
    • Supervision
    • Work with people
    • Sensitization
    • The Migrant Project
  • PET (Pragmatic Empowerment Training)
    • Pragmatic Empowerment Training (PET)
    • Course 1-The Caregiver-Client Relationship >
      • 1 Introduction >
        • 1 Introduction
        • 2 The CWWPP >
          • Introduction to the CWWPP - Comments
        • 3 PET
        • 4 Facilitation
        • 5 Additional Remarks on the Course >
          • Inventarization
      • 2 The Caregiver-Client Relationship >
        • 1 Introduction and the Caregiver Client Relationship as the Basis of Everything
        • 2 Some First Principles >
          • Taking an Interest In and Concentrating on the Client
          • Taking An Attitude of Humanity and Compassion
          • Listening and Responding to the Total Person
        • 3 Some Points About Language and Getting to Know the Client >
          • Activities - Using Language That the Person Can Understand
          • Activities - Taking the Time and Getting As Much Information as Possible
          • Activities - Feelings
          • Activities - Motives
          • Activities - Interests
          • Activities - Content and Its Interpretation
          • Activities - Assumptions
          • Activities - Prejudices
          • Activities - Expectations
          • Activities - Generalizations
          • Activities -Final Remarks
        • 4 Creating the Right Atmosphere >
          • Activities - The Physical Environment
          • Activities - Formality
          • The Theme of the Session
          • Activities - The Presence of Other People in the Session
          • Activities - The Pressure on the Caregiver and the Client
          • Activities - Final Activities
        • 5 Persistence Patience Insistence Discipline >
          • Activities - Persistence
          • Activities - Patience
          • Activities - Insistence
          • Activities - Discipline
          • Activities - Final Comments
        • 6 Identification and Maintaining Self-Identity >
          • Activities - Identification of the Caregiver with the Client and of the Client with the Caregiver
          • Activities - Maintaining Your Own Identity
          • Activities - Final Comments
        • 7 Tolerance and Individualization >
          • Activities - Tolerance and Taking a Non-Judgmental Approach
          • Activities - Individualization
          • Activities - Final Comments
        • 8 Responsibility, Control, and Giving Permission >
          • Activities - Getting the Client to Take Control of His or Her Own Life
          • Activities - Giving the Client Control
          • Activities - Giving the Client Permission
          • Activities - Final comments
        • 9 Giving Time and Space; Listening vs. Preaching >
          • Activities - Giving Time and Space
          • Activities - Listening vs. Preaching
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 10 Gaining and Maintaining Trust >
          • Activities - Honesty
          • Activities- Openness
          • Activities - Directness
          • Activities - Keeping Promises
          • Activities - Humanity
          • Activities - Final Activities
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 11 Ethics >
          • Activities - Do No Harm
          • Activities - Privacy
          • Activities - The Relationship Between the Caregiver and the Client Outside of the Caregiving Situation
          • Activities - Professionalism
          • Activities - Payment and Gifts
          • Activities - Conventions and Codes
          • Activities - Final Activities
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 12 Preparation, Flexibility, and Adaptation >
          • Activities - Preparation
          • Activities - Flexibility and Adaptation
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 13 Religion, Belief, and Hope >
          • Activities - The Role of Belief and Religion
          • Activities - Hope
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 14 Time and Closeness Revisited >
          • Activities - Time
          • Activities - Closeness
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 15 Final Remarks and Activities for this Section >
          • Activities - Final Activities
      • 3 Self-Care >
        • 1 Introduction to this Section >
          • Activities - Introduction
        • 2 Limits >
          • Activities - Time
          • Activities - Physical and Emotional Energy
          • Activities - Acceptance of What We Can and Cannot Do
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 3 Burnout >
          • Activities - Introduction and Definition of Burnout
          • Activities - The Causes of Burnout
          • Activities - Symptoms and Signs of Burnout
          • Activities - Dealing with Burnout
          • Activities - Prevention of Burnout
          • Activities - Final Remarks
        • 4 Self-Reflection and Self-Criticism >
          • Activity - Self-Reflection and Self-Criticism
        • 5 The Balance Between Professional and Private Life >
          • Activities - Th Balance Between Professional and Personal Life
        • 6 Supervision and Intervision >
          • Activities - Supervision and Intervision
        • 7 Factors Promoting and Detracting from Self-Care
        • 8 Final Remarks and Activities for this Section >
          • Activities - Factors Promoting and Detracting from Self-Care
          • Activities - Final Remarks
      • 4 Final Remarks and Activities for the Course >
        • Activities - Final Remarks for the Course
    • Miscellaneous Educational Documents
  • Library
    • Learning Materials and Course Summaries
    • Brochures and Briefing Papers >
      • Psychosis Croatian/Brošura o psihozi
    • Conference and Scientific Papers
    • Conference Trauma and Mental Heal in Conflict and Migration >
      • Kanda
      • Young
      • Shrusti
      • Dougherty
      • Yoder-Lopez
      • Tauber
      • Sillett
      • Niconchuk
    • Osijek Seminar 7 May 2019
    • InPact Conference May 2019
    • Articles About and By the CWWPP
  • Blog
  • Contact Us
  • Links
  • Donate